Ruling With a Sequined Fist

Q: I love meeting and chatting people up and all, but I want to get off right now. Where should I go?

A: There are a few places where you can get your rocks off the moment the desire arises.  Wherever you go, you will be partaking in the age-old art of cruising.  In the way of definitions, cruising is the practice of walking around a specified location looking to get laid.  Now.  Without all the chatting and drink-buying required of bars.  Although it is not especially fabulous to indulge in such activities, it is most certainly efficient and its best to know how to approach cruising so you don’t get beat up or arrested.  Black eyes and criminal records are most unglamorous.

There are specific do’s and don’ts for the most popular cruising venues and you don’t want to be caught with your pants down (unless you do), so let’s cover your bases to reach maximum exposure.

Parks

            “Sometimes, on a really cloudy night, you wouldn’t even know some guy was there until you touched him or he touched you.  Sometimes nothing was said at all.  You’d just hear breathing and the clink of a belt unbuckling.”

  —Tom of Finland

In previous times, park cruising was a staple of gay sex life.  Most cities and towns—almost regardless of size—would have a cruisy park area.  It’s usually a secluded and under-used area of the park.  Park cruising protocols generally involve standing casually along a path until someone agreeable approaches.  The stander grabs his dick through his pants and stares at the crusiers junk.  If he nods, smiles, motions towards the woods, or grabs his in return you know you are good to go.  Find a cozy spot off the trail and get to business.  Be mindful, since you are in a forest, not to get a terrible STD like poision ivy, oak or sumac.  Also beware of pickpockets—do not walk into a completely isolated space with someone who looks shady in a way that doesn’t involve pulling their dick out for strangers.

Bathouses

Very few people go to bathhouses to work out.  Indeed, they are designed for sexual adventures.  Every major metropolitan area has a bathhouse and, unless you are hideously disfigured, it is almost certain that you will get some play if you go to one.  The dress code is generally limited to a towel and shoes, but some venues have fetish nights—make sure to check the schedule lest you be caught without your leathers.  Protocol is similar to parks, except that many places have rooms that can be rented out for more privacy.  If you try to participate and someone brushes your hand away or otherwise indicates that your involvement is not welcome, please stop.  It is most impolite to get handsy when not invited.

There are two kinds of bathhouses: open spaces and those with rooms.  San Francisco is the predominant location of fully open “sex clubs” without privacy.

Fun fact: in the days before AIDS, there used to be actual, non-sexual events that regularly took place in the common rooms that most old-style baths have.  Some very famous performers, including Bette “bathhouse betty” Midler got their start playing them.

Peeps

Peeps, or “Adult Bookstores,” have some number of semi-private or private booths that play porn with quarters or tokens—a veritable arcade of cock sucking.  Politeness dictates that you should regularly put quarters in even when you aren’t watching the films—the owners are nice enough to give you a hyper-exhibitionist space and mop your semen off the floor, please patronize them.  Protocols vary per location, but in general leaving your door open or sticking your feet out under the booth door is considered an invitation.  Additionally, if there are no doors, making eye contact is generally thought to be an invite.

If you arrive hungry for cock, sit down in the booth.  If you want to get sucked, be sure to stand.  It is possible to negotiate other behaviors, but don’t expect booth-mates to be chatty.

Public Restrooms

Cruisy restrooms are one of the most exciting and most dangerous spots.  To find a willing partner, simply walk to a urinal next to a potential candidate and go to the bathroom.  Make sure to stand back far enough that he can see your goods.  If you check each other out and squeeze yourself a few extra times for show and its clear that you can proceed…then step outside and find a suitable location.  Be very careful obviously staring at strangers dicks in restrooms as straight people do not appreciate this kind of forwardness.  Fortunately, they usually just get so uncomfortable that they leave.

The Internet           

Internet hookups, which can be obtained on a variety of sites, must be done discreetly. Your profile should be as honest as possible while still making you look good.  For example, don’t put up a five-year-old picture of yourself and expect someone to be happy when your aged and 100-pound heavier self strolls up to the door.  Lying is not sexy.  If you’re in your sixties, that’s fine!  Maybe there’s a twenty year old gerontophiliac just waiting for your wrinkled testicles.  Your game is only lost when you stop believing in it.  However, it is also important to note that site type has its own set of users and a certain personal ad style.

Chat sites—The name you choose is mostly useless, as is the bio chosen before entering your local chatroom.  Unless you have a debilitating fetish and require the cyber, master/servant, or similar rooms, choose the one closest to where you live.  If you live in a large university town away from an urban area, the “[your state] college” room almost exclusively houses people from your city.  Even if you don’t go to school there.  When entering the chat room, refrain from chatting in the main window.  Only people who come on every day can do this without raising collective eyebrows.  When you find an agreeable mate for the evening, open a private message starting with a cheesy greeting: “hey, what’s up?” does wonders.  They will almost invariably inform you that nothing is going on.  You should then exchange pleasantries will be exchanged for up to three minutes.  After that, one party will ask the other “what are you into?”  Don’t be fooled; this is a thinly veiled way of asking whether you’re a top or bottom.  If you are so unwise as to truthfully disclose your interests, they will likely respond “oh cool,” or, if some unacceptable habit has been disclosed, stop talking to you altogether.

Message boards and classified ads—The only people who use these services are straight, pretending to be straight, or have very specific needs.  In other words: perfect for making new gay converts, but not much else.  Proceed accordingly, but remember that people read these while bored at work, so don’t post too much identifying information.