Q: How did you get to be so wonderful - oh wait I meant divine!
A: Well, my dear, like most things in life it involves working very, very hard…when no one is looking. Obvious struggling is quite tragic and ill composed. I got to be as wonderful as I am by practicing the fine arts of faggotry for many, many years. Now it seems entirely effortless and it should—otherwise something is amiss. You too, dear reader, can become this divine. It will help to know what divinity is, though.
Divinity—not referring to the peerless drag queen or a state of spiritual completion—is practicing the art of being perfect in everyday life. If you truly believe that you are indeed divine then nothing can harm you. Certainly not the haters saying terrible things to you…they are merely jealous that you are so unimaginably fabulous. If you engage in daily divinity exercises then you will soon become a perfect human being.
In order to achieve this, naturally, you must first identify what is perfect for you. As debating aesthetics is such a dreary way to waste an evening, I’ll simply assume that you know. Now: believe that you are already perfect, behave in public as though this were the case, and work tirelessly in your free time to be sure that the choices you make and the skill sets you build further your divinity. If glamour were a weapon, divinity is your armor.
How can people who don't want to have sex with men become fabulous?
A reader writes in:
Q: I’m not really turned on by the notion of sex with men, yet I desperately want to be fabulous. Please, beyond watching “Auntie Mame” for the gazillionth time, what can I do to be fabu?
A: No sex with men? How vivid. Since you were so wise as to lure me into overlooking your lack of homosexuality by referencing Auntie Mame I will indulge. If you want to become fabulous, you should indeed take in the tropes of our great Auntie. Let’s take a look, shall we? There is one characteristic that, above all else, Mame has: glamour. By that you may assume I refer to her house, her aversion to hateful Long Island yuppy scum, or perhaps her elevating couches. Nope—I refer entirely to the notion that no matter how terrible things get our Mame has a witty retort and the unflappable ability to effortlessly look to the bright side.
During that lengthy sequence in which she loses her fortune and takes a quixotic journey through the tawdry world of working for a living, she does not bemoan her situation. No, she employs the delicious tool of glamour—the amplification of diminishing of information to desired effect. It is, ultimately, managing the information surrounding yourself—being your own PR agent. “Oh please, I diminish my acne every day with five facial scrubs,” I hear you attempting to chime in, but follow along: this one’s far more complicated.
She minimizes the bad stuff (poverty, work, reality) and amplifies the desirable (wit, charm, friends, good cheer, fashion) to carry the day. Isn’t it strange that there is a main character who goes through a series of very unfortunate scenarios who never makes you feel bad? Not even once? Even when she’s in danger of losing her home? That is glamour. It does not matter what your circumstances are, only that you continually project the best possible situation. It will all be alright…if not, it will certainly feel like it.
Here is your homework assignment, my dear: take something in your world that is not even remotely fabulous—possibly even frightening. Describe it. Ok, what’s the worst that can happen? Will you die? Will you become homeless? Probably not. There—no reason to frown. That would be “just ghastly.” So think of how you could make you situation hopelessly festive and describe that. It could be something you already have and should focus upon instead of your dreary problems. Doesn’t that sound much more fun? Now hold the illusion long enough to fill the gaps between reality and your fiction and…poof!…its no longer a fantasy. Think of it like your hair. It may be curly and black, but you want straight and auburn…so get the tools to change it all the while imagining its already that glorious. Make your fantasy reality. Don’t be ghastly; be glamorous!
Q: I love meeting and chatting people up and all, but I want to get off right now. Where should I go?
A: There are a few places where you can get your rocks off the moment the desire arises. Wherever you go, you will be partaking in the age-old art of cruising. In the way of definitions, cruising is the practice of walking around a specified location looking to get laid. Now. Without all the chatting and drink-buying required of bars. Although it is not especially fabulous to indulge in such activities, it is most certainly efficient and its best to know how to approach cruising so you don’t get beat up or arrested. Black eyes and criminal records are most unglamorous.
There are specific do’s and don’ts for the most popular cruising venues and you don’t want to be caught with your pants down (unless you do), so let’s cover your bases to reach maximum exposure.
“Sometimes, on a really cloudy night, you wouldn’t even know some guy was there until you touched him or he touched you. Sometimes nothing was said at all. You’d just hear breathing and the clink of a belt unbuckling.”
—Tom of Finland
In previous times, park cruising was a staple of gay sex life. Most cities and towns—almost regardless of size—would have a cruisy park area. It’s usually a secluded and under-used area of the park. Park cruising protocols generally involve standing casually along a path until someone agreeable approaches. The stander grabs his dick through his pants and stares at the crusiers junk. If he nods, smiles, motions towards the woods, or grabs his in return you know you are good to go. Find a cozy spot off the trail and get to business. Be mindful, since you are in a forest, not to get a terrible STD like poision ivy, oak or sumac. Also beware of pickpockets—do not walk into a completely isolated space with someone who looks shady in a way that doesn’t involve pulling their dick out for strangers.
Very few people go to bathhouses to work out. Indeed, they are designed for sexual adventures. Every major metropolitan area has a bathhouse and, unless you are hideously disfigured, it is almost certain that you will get some play if you go to one. The dress code is generally limited to a towel and shoes, but some venues have fetish nights—make sure to check the schedule lest you be caught without your leathers. Protocol is similar to parks, except that many places have rooms that can be rented out for more privacy. If you try to participate and someone brushes your hand away or otherwise indicates that your involvement is not welcome, please stop. It is most impolite to get handsy when not invited.
There are two kinds of bathhouses: open spaces and those with rooms. San Francisco is the predominant location of fully open “sex clubs” without privacy.
Fun fact: in the days before AIDS, there used to be actual, non-sexual events that regularly took place in the common rooms that most old-style baths have. Some very famous performers, including Bette “bathhouse betty” Midler got their start playing them.
Peeps, or “Adult Bookstores,” have some number of semi-private or private booths that play porn with quarters or tokens—a veritable arcade of cock sucking. Politeness dictates that you should regularly put quarters in even when you aren’t watching the films—the owners are nice enough to give you a hyper-exhibitionist space and mop your semen off the floor, please patronize them. Protocols vary per location, but in general leaving your door open or sticking your feet out under the booth door is considered an invitation. Additionally, if there are no doors, making eye contact is generally thought to be an invite.
If you arrive hungry for cock, sit down in the booth. If you want to get sucked, be sure to stand. It is possible to negotiate other behaviors, but don’t expect booth-mates to be chatty.
Cruisy restrooms are one of the most exciting and most dangerous spots. To find a willing partner, simply walk to a urinal next to a potential candidate and go to the bathroom. Make sure to stand back far enough that he can see your goods. If you check each other out and squeeze yourself a few extra times for show and its clear that you can proceed…then step outside and find a suitable location. Be very careful obviously staring at strangers dicks in restrooms as straight people do not appreciate this kind of forwardness. Fortunately, they usually just get so uncomfortable that they leave.
Internet hookups, which can be obtained on a variety of sites, must be done discreetly. Your profile should be as honest as possible while still making you look good. For example, don’t put up a five-year-old picture of yourself and expect someone to be happy when your aged and 100-pound heavier self strolls up to the door. Lying is not sexy. If you’re in your sixties, that’s fine! Maybe there’s a twenty year old gerontophiliac just waiting for your wrinkled testicles. Your game is only lost when you stop believing in it. However, it is also important to note that site type has its own set of users and a certain personal ad style.
Chat sites—The name you choose is mostly useless, as is the bio chosen before entering your local chatroom. Unless you have a debilitating fetish and require the cyber, master/servant, or similar rooms, choose the one closest to where you live. If you live in a large university town away from an urban area, the “[your state] college” room almost exclusively houses people from your city. Even if you don’t go to school there. When entering the chat room, refrain from chatting in the main window. Only people who come on every day can do this without raising collective eyebrows. When you find an agreeable mate for the evening, open a private message starting with a cheesy greeting: “hey, what’s up?” does wonders. They will almost invariably inform you that nothing is going on. You should then exchange pleasantries will be exchanged for up to three minutes. After that, one party will ask the other “what are you into?” Don’t be fooled; this is a thinly veiled way of asking whether you’re a top or bottom. If you are so unwise as to truthfully disclose your interests, they will likely respond “oh cool,” or, if some unacceptable habit has been disclosed, stop talking to you altogether.
Message boards and classified ads—The only people who use these services are straight, pretending to be straight, or have very specific needs. In other words: perfect for making new gay converts, but not much else. Proceed accordingly, but remember that people read these while bored at work, so don’t post too much identifying information.
Q: So I picked up a trick and brought him back to my place. What should I do with him now?
A: Here’s an old joke that will help answer this question:
“What does a lesbian bring on a second date?”
“What does a gay man bring on a second date?”
“What’s a second date?”
There’s no good reason to let him stay. After you both cum you have only two obligations: giving him a towel to clean himself up with and showing him the door. Post-trick chatting is awkward and disagreeable, so it’s best to stand up and start dressing yourself after wiping the fruits of your labor off. Assuming you had an agreeable time, feel free to tell him this and, if appropriate, tell him to chat you up if you run into one another again. Most likely, however, the sex—and by extension, his company—will be mediocre at best and you should just say you had fun while giving him a polite yet empty smile. This is the universal signal for “I’m glad I got off. Now get out.”
Early in your career a fabulous queer you may mistakenly think that you share a greater bond than an hour adventure, but this is certainly not the case. Chances are you will never see one another again and that’s a good idea. It’s very rare that sex with someone is good enough to repeat. Continuously thinking that you are suddenly dating someone you fucked put you on the fast track to being labeled a clinger. Example: an associate of mine, while out drinking, will occasionally see that his phone is ringing and sneer at the name of the caller. When asked who it is, he responds “a trick who thinks he’s more than a trick.” Don’t let that happen to you.
A single caveat to this rule exists: if it is Saturday night, your trick is easy on the eyes, and you are attending brunch with your friends on Sunday morning, keep your hot number over and bring him as a brunch guest. Sunday brunch trick show and tell is a favored game of gays. Your mates will be impressed and jealous at your tricking prowess and will seethe with rage that their night was not nearly as much fun as yours. Competitive gays make good sport out of Sunday boyfriends, but this relationship has a definitive end-time of 2pm.
Q: I’m really horny. Like…all the time. How should I go about getting laid?
A: One of the best ways to cultivate a sense of gay brilliance is to get laid. Often. By the hottest people you can find. There are many words for this activity, but everyone in the know refers to it as tricking. In order to get your tricking merit badge, you must do the following things:
1) Have sex with someone you met that night at a gay bar. Bonus points if you get a dominant top to bottom.
2) Have sex with someone you met that night at a straight bar. Bonus points if you got him to ditch his girlfriend.
3) Have sex with someone you met in the bathroom.
4) Have sex with someone whose name you never knew.
5) Have scandal-causing sex and tell everyone about it.
6) Have sex with an 18 year old when you’re at least 25.
7) Have a wild encounter with someone who seems meek and mild. Tell everyone. Bonus points if you figured out how wild they are before anyone else.
8) Have rough sex.
9) Have the cops called on you because you’re too loud.
10) Have sex with someone your best friend fucked last weekend.
11) Have sex in public.
12) Have sex with someone from another country.
13) Take someone’s gay virginity or—better yet—fuck a straight guy.
14) Take a drag queen home.
15) Have sex with someone who reads this blog.
Now, it’s worth noting that these things cannot be done all willy-nilly. If you lift your legs without proper poise, you’ll be branded a sleaze-fag and no one will want you. And that’s worse than death or polyester. In order to complete the checklist of stories that will horrify your relatives in your golden years, tact and grace must be employed with the people, the location, and, most importantly, the timing.
In order to find a good trick, walk into your local gay bar or club and make a few rounds while pointing your nose ever so slightly into the air and making a genuine effort to look down on everyone who is trying to ignore your hotness. If someone looks you over from head to toe or smiles, look at them, give a coy smile, and keep on the rounds. There may be fifteen or a hundred more people who will do this, so it is best to case out all options. If they’re incredibly hot and wearing an atypical fabric or very little clothing, brushing past and copping a feel is permissible. By putting on that clothing, they fully expect a grope or two. They’re asking for it—1970’s rape-defense style.
After making the rounds and selecting the hottest person in the room, stand next to them and order a strong drink. Something that says: “I’m hot, wasted, and have impeccable taste. Getting into my pants is easy and fun.” Strike up a conversation employing the trick known as “assumed rapport.” Imagine that you’ve slept with them a number of times before and you are now playing the game of opening them again. By portraying a confident vibe, you will score. Since practically everyone in the room was checking you out, it should not be too hard to assume this. Now is the time to forget all those filthy inclinations—except, of course imagining your cum on their face. That might make it easier. If you’re a bottom, make the face you will have when the same is done to you.
When trying to trick straight people be mindful that the rules are slightly different. They are not used to being cruised by men, so a bit more than furtive glances and cock grabbing is in order. First, remember to think of them by the proper name: trade. This is the title bestowed on all straight people who have slept with a guy or might in the future. In other words, all straight men are potentially trade. Enough with labels; lets move them away from labias.
In order to bed some trade two things must happen: you must make him vaguely comfortable around you and also let him know you are gay as blazes. If you are really femmy the second goal is very easy to achieve. While hanging out make sure to engage in light touching—put your hand on his stomach while saying something, touch his shoulders, etc. If you hang around him for a while and prove that you aren’t going to publicly humiliate him with your faggotry then you can pass him some excuse about needing to chat in private. After you have successfully secluded him and suspect he’s game, immediately proceed to genital touching. Most trade need time to warm up to kissing, so keeping this a business-only venture will help you both get to the good stuff. To assuage some of his fears, politely inform him that dudes can suck dick far better than chicks and all of the other well-rehearsed lines from your high-school masturbatory fantasies.
Though a lot of trade like getting their dick sucked, some don’t like the feeling of stubbly dudes sucking it. Indeed, they may harbor occasional fantasies of taking a shot in the mouth. If this weren’t the case the market for she-male porn would be significantly smaller. Ultimately, somewhere in the dark recesses of their minds, all straight men want a chick with nice hair, ample breasts, and a big dick. If you would like to discover whether he wants to get or take it, shortly after you get on your knees and relieve his throbbing boner from his pants and just before you start deep-throating it…ask if he’d rather suck your dick. If he would, he’ll probably say yes. Otherwise he’ll just grab your head and shove it on his situation. Either way you win.
It is only appropriate to engage in wild tricking at a handful of times in any given calendar year. Anything else is tragic and tacky. The whole first year after you come out is fair game. This is a great time to sleep with straight people, as you can probably still visit heterosexual venues without glittered bile rising in the back of your throat. All those bad haircuts! Additionally, anytime you break up with anyone—no matter how brief a time you were dating—there is a sixty day window where sleeping with as many people as possible is permissible. Be wary if sleazy bar flies start cruising you towards the end of this period. That means you’re making an easy name for yourself and should stop immediately. Try being more discreet in the future.